My Grief Journey

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After my husband passed in 2018 my time was filled with running my tourism business, photo shoots, and performing my duties as the Manager of an Airbnb.  I was also extremely busy selling his possessions (i.e. Harley motorcycle, boat, jeep, car, truck, log splitter, tractor, hunting/fishing/golfing/tools, etc.) and downsizing.  I sold our home and moved into my condo in 2019.  Six weeks later my only child passed and I fell into deep despair.  I was still extremely busy which helped with gradually processing the grief.  Eight months later the pandemic hit.  I went from working 70 hours a week to nothing.  I was truly alone for the first time in my life. 

Happy times in Cancun 2004

My parents had already passed, but I still had my brother and his wife and visited with them monthly. I have never been that close with my brother.  He’s five years younger and we had a dysfunctional childhood. I had a lot of girlfriends and was a social person.  We would plan hikes and ways to get together safely during the pandemic.  Gradually, I lost most of these friends.  I discovered this was common when you’ve gone through a lot of trauma in a short period of time.  Either they left or I decided to end the friendship.  I felt that most of them were not there for me in my time of need.  One of my closest friends was very cruel with the way she ended our friendship.  My friend from middle school is still a good friend.  I lost six friends and have since made two new friends.

That’s me in the middle, I invited girlfriends for a night out

My brother and his first wife divorced when their children (my nephew and niece) were around 8 and 10.  They’ve both remarried.  Through the years we’ve all gotten together for holidays and birthdays.  My brother’s ex-wife’s sister and her husband have also been a part of the celebrations.  I used to invite all of them over for tractor rides, to shoot guns (one of my late husband’s hobbies), play games, have bonfires/grill-outs, and go for boat rides, etc.  I took my niece to Paris when she was 15 years old.  Both she and her brother (30 and 32) are married and have children (infant to toddler age) now.  I’ve been very disappointed with the lack of empathy from them.  I’m not sure why, but my niece and nephew seem very distant with me, borderline contempt.  The few times I see them annually, they don’t start a conversation with me or ask anything about my life. It’s always me asking them.  I was their favorite Aunt (they only have two – their mother’s sister and me) when they were growing up.  They seem emotionally stunted.  This is probably partially genetic and partially due to the way they were raised.  I could offer many examples, but don’t feel the need to explain and realize unless you’re in the situation, you won’t fully understand.  The latest was this past week when I texted my nephew and wished him a Happy Birthday.  He didn’t respond, not even to acknowledge receipt of the text. 

I have a lot of cousins, but have only been around four or five of them occasionally since becoming an adult.  None of them (including my only living Aunt) have reached out to check on me periodically.  I realize that people are busy with their own lives, but going through this experience has illuminated the lack of empathy that people have for others.

I was the one that had a few family reunions

There have been times I’ve contemplated ending my life, but most of the time I’m looking for ways to practice self-care.  For much of this time I was focused on finding a partner through on-line dating.  I envisioned being part of a family with grandchildren (my son was engaged and I was so looking forward to being a grandmother), and having a loving partner, someone to share life with, to love and be loved by.  I was searching for someone that was active and physically fit, but sadly, most men over 60 years of age aren’t. Of course, there were other qualities I also wanted. I’ve been a member of meetup.com since 2007 and belong to a variety of social groups.  I lead hikes and attend other meetups.  Solo travel has been a way for me to explore the world and learn about others and myself.  Once my son moved out of our home, I frequently traveled with my husband, with adventure travel companies, and solo.  I’m grateful for the ability (both financially and physically) to travel.  I spent three months in Europe (five countries) last year and spend a month somewhere warm in the winter.  I occasionally experience loneliness, but I also sometimes experience that at home. 

Santorini 2022

On the first day of a three-week solo road trip through Oregon and Canada, I tripped and fractured my shoulder.  That was 3 ½ months ago and I’m still in physical therapy.  I was making progress, but a Physical Therapist I don’t normally see was so aggressive manually manipulating my arm that he injured it and set me back a couple of months.  I haven’t been able to participate in most of the activities that helped me mentally/emotionally. I contracted Covid for the first time a few weeks ago while on a solo road trip along the North Shore of Lake Superior in Minnesota.  I’m better now, but it’s no fun getting hurt/sick while traveling solo.  I leave tomorrow for a road trip to North and South Carolina.  It’s only a four-day trip, but I’m hoping the leaves are pretty.

I tripped and fractured my shoulder right after taking this photo along the coast in Oregon

Another by-product of grief/trauma is how your body is affected.  Since my family has passed, I’ve had three surgeries.  The mind/body connection is real.  To fill time I also read and watch a lot of movies.  My favorites are documentaries and movies about struggles and how people deal with them.  I also help friends organize and minimize their possessions.

Touching again on the topic of how people let you down…my closest friend, who has been there for me when she can, has let me down.  I’ve told her I wish she would call me more often.  She’s busy with her elderly parents, social events, and her new grandchild.  Typically, when we would get together (3-4 times a month) it was to party…have a few drinks and maybe dance on my patio…go to my pool, etc.  It’s difficult to have a deep conversation under the influence.  I’ve learned to share my needs with others, but when those needs are ignored, it truly hurts.  None of this is one-sided.  I try to be the best friend I can be, but I think many people have a difficult time asking for what they need.  It makes you vulnerable.

My brother came over recently and I asked him to momentarily imagine what it would be like if his wife, children, and grandchildren all passed.  It’s a very lonely feeling when you don’t know anyone who has experienced what you have.  I know some women who have lost a child, but they have other family, a spouse, another child, grandchildren, etc.  He said he didn’t want to imagine that.  I said that I would think since he’s a therapist, that he would do that, try to have empathy, with his clients, to be the best therapist he could be.  He became very angry and told me to never, ever mention anything about his skills related to his career.  I have accepted that I have very little emotional support and will continue to rely on myself for most of these needs.

Recently, I watched a movie called “Land” about a woman whose husband and only child died in a car accident.  She contemplated suicide, but purchased a rustic cabin with a lot of acreage in Montana.  She wanted to get away from people and holidays and live off of the land by herself.  Something she said resonated with me…that she is alone in her pain.  For the first time, it dawned on me that I too am alone with my pain and that’s okay.

Life is a gift, I’m grateful

30 thoughts on “My Grief Journey”

  1. You’ve gone through so much, Sherry. That you can go through the days with a smile and open heart and adventurous mind is incredible. You’ve endured a kind of pain that most people cannot imagine. You’re such a strong person. It is disappointing to hear that the people you’ve put your trust in, whether they be friends or family, have let you down. I hope that one day you find the people who won’t turn away from other people’s pain, but will carry others through it! They’re out there. They have to be. Sending a ton of Internet love through a computer screen.

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  2. Oh, Lachelle. I have so much to say. First of all, I understand exactly how you feel. Grief is something we do not discuss in this country/society. It’s something we don’t know how to discuss, which is what I’ve learned firsthand.

    I’m sorry that everyone around you has seemingly failed you in the empathy department. That’s something else I’ve discovered. It seems to be common, especially when related to grief. What I’ve learned is people just don’t know what to say or how to “act,” for lack of a better word.

    I hope you don’t mind, but I’m suggesting you read my memoir (mainly because you mentioned that you’ve been reading/watching material centered on loss, etc.). It is called In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict and can be found in all places. There’s also an audiobook, which I read myself, in case you don’t have the time to read.

    Sending you love, peace, and empathy ❤

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  3. I am sorry for your tremendous losses. I can not even begin to imagine how painful it has been. And I’m sorry about your recent shoulder injury. Losing physical function and experiencing pain is life altering and in fact, another form of loss. I think it’s true that people are consumed with their own lives. The friends I’ve had the longest are my childhood friends but we don’t talk frequently because our lives have moved in such different directions. Friends I’ve made as an adult seem fleeting because everyone is so different, so busy. I’ve learned not to rely on them. My family is also relatively dysfunctional and I learned not to rely on them. My closest in age brother and I have recently had to have more contact to manage our mother and younger brother who have health issues. Although we live very close, we’ve never maintained a regular relationship. We live very different lives. From a young age, I have been content being alone, being a private person and really only sharing my life with a partner. I experienced divorce twenty years ago and the grief from that experience was very much like experiencing the death of loved one. Although my recent partner and I have been together for 18 years, we’ve never married and there is always a certain boundary between us. I’ve learned to live with it. I read about your self-reliance and I am very impressed by your strength and accomplishments. I have no words of wisdom other than I think all of us are alone when it really comes down to it. I think if you follow your passions like travel, it helps. Finding meaningful human connection is hard. I deeply understand that. You are not alone.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing a bit about your life. I too have finally come to that realization, but it would be easier if I had a partner, just someone to be with some of the time. I know many women decide not to have someone in their lives because they have family and they concentrate on that and their hobbies, but I don’t have that so I am doing the best I can. Sending hugs!

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  4. Sherry, I’m so sorry for the tremendous loss you’ve experienced. Life is cyclical; things will get better. Trite, but true.
    Another tritism: volunteer around people who will really appreciate you. My two personal favorites were the elderly, and mentally challenged adults. They’re sweet and really pretty wonderful.
    Take care of yourself ❤

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  5. I’m so sorry for all the pain and grief that you all experiencing. I can empathize how lonely you must be. You have a strength in you that will pull you out of this misery and loneliness. Your travels and your desire to connect with people will truly help you heal. I hope and pray that someday you will feel that you’re not alone. Continue in your journey to healing! God bless and big hugs!!!

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  6. I’m so sorry for all the pain and grief that you all experiencing. I can empathize how lonely you must be. You have a strength in you that will pull you out of this misery and loneliness. Your travels and your desire to connect with people will truly help you heal. I hope and pray that someday you will feel that you’re not alone. Continue in your journey to healing! God bless and big hugs!!!

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  7. I am sorry for your grief and bad experiences in life. Let me say that life is a continuous struggle. In this journey, you came across bad and good experiences.

    A late famous writer in Nigeria, Abubakar Imam traveled by sea to Britain at the invitation of the British Council to witness the Second World War activities.

    While on the sea, they were fed we’ll with a first-class accaccommodation. But for almost a month on the sea, he realised that he was missing a lot from the company of people that make him happyy or otherwise.

    He then realised that the beauty of life it face challenges positives and negatives, but move on happily.

    So always be happy with what surround you.

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  8. Sending love to you Sherry. You have been through so much.
    I am envious of your travels and ability to do so.
    I don’t know why some of us go through so much while others seem to have an easy life. Random?
    The saying, “When your child dies, your address book changes” definitely rings true for me. I understand some of the reasons, but the people who just disappeared??? What is that about?
    For me, helping parents heal helps me tremendously. I wish you would check it out. They have groups that fit everyone’s situation. It helps me to have my grief witnessed, hear what others have been through(makes me not feel so strange) and helping others in our group helps me very much.

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    • Most people have the means to travel, it doesn’t have to be that expensive, I purchased a vehicle that I can sleep in if need be. It just depends on what somebody’s priority is. You can do it too!! I may check that group out. I’m glad it helps you!

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  9. You’ve touched on several points, and I’m so sorry for the grief you’ve experienced, dear Sherry. For what it’s worth, seeing you always brings a smile to my face – so, whatever you’re doing, please don’t stop! I hope that your time in the Carolinas is pleasant, and, if ever someday we should happen to meet, I’d welcome the opportunity to share a hug with you. Be safe and stay sweet, my friend. 🙂❤️

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  11. I am sorry to hear of your struggles, Sherry. I am glad that travelling has provided some distraction on your journey, I have certainly enjoyed following along. Sending big hugs💕

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  12. Grief. It is a bitch. I believe that we all grieve in our own way and sometimes family and friends don’t understand that. They think we should grieve how they imagine it should be done. Others are just afraid it is contagious or something. And let’s face it we are never the same people after the loss trauma that caused the grief. We are different people who have to negotiate learning how to be this new person with pieces missing. My recent loss, which has been devastating to me, is no where near the devastation and loss you have gone through, has shown me exactly the same behaviour in family in friends that you have experienced. I have to say I wasn’t prepared for that. I really appreciate you sharing this here. Selfishly, it makes me feel a little less alone. Sherry, follow your journey the way you need to, to get through it. There is no right way to get through it.

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  13. I am happy you find comfort in solace, world is cruel and selfish i understand, and finding a nice companion or friend is a bonus,, hope you will keep up with yourself and never let yourself down,, my wishes with you,, I won’t say I feel sorry for your story because life teaches us everyday and everything happens for some reason, maybe you are on course of discovering new things in life ,, have faith and keep going, 😊😊

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